This has been a very difficult week for our nation.  There is nothing more jarring than the senseless loss of young men and women just beginning to live.  Our minds grasp for ways to understand what is absolutely not understandable.  We question God.  We question those in authority and in fact many of us feel such anger that we reach for people, places, authorities to blame and help dissipate that anger, but it only succeeds in making us more angry.  Others simply pull back into themselves and feel numb and gray but can't quite figure out why.

Grief is as unique as each individual, each relationship and each tragedy… it never comes in exactly the same form or with the same emotions.  The same loss suffered in a single family will not be grieved the same by the individuals in that family.  This completely unpredictable course of grieving often leads to much misunderstanding and even separation in marriages or families.  As a culture we are woefully unprepared to grieve any loss, much less the massive and tragic loss our nation is facing this week.

Have you ever been confronted with the loss suffered by a close friend or relative and been so afraid of saying the wrong thing that you've barely said anything at all?  Or avoided the subject for fear that you might cause more pain?  Feeling inadequate to comfort the grieving is very common, most of us feel that we don't know what is going to be helpful and what isn't in comforting a grieving individual.

I suffered the loss of the husband of my youth when I was 36 and he was just 44.  It was in 1994.  He died from Melanoma, which is a virulent form of skin cancer.  I sought out information prior to his death on the grieving process in order to help my young daughters cope with the coming loss, then afterward attended a Hospice grief support group for a season and have since read several good books.  The best of which is "When Life is Changed Forever By the Death of Someone Near," by Rick Taylor, Harvest House Publishers.  It's available at www.familylife.org or most likely also at www.amazon.com.  We buy the book a dozen at a time to have on hand for the unexpected tragedies that happen around us.

Here's a list of a few things that are usually very comforting to the grieving individual:

1. If you don't know what to say all you have to do is say so!  "I am so saddened by your loss and I have no idea what you must be feeling.  I just want you to know how much I care, but words fail me at a time like this."  You don't have to fix it, explain it, or give them the answer on how to get over it… you just have to weep with those that are weeping.  Believe it or not, that's enough!
2. If you want to do something, figure out what needs doing and either just do it or offer to do it.  The grieving individual often hears "If you need anything, just call and I'll be happy to help."  The problem is they don't remember who offered to do what as their minds just aren't working right, or they don't feel comfortable asking.  When I was grieving, my friend Sally would call and say, "I'm taking the boys for an afternoon at the library and then we're going to the park.  Can I pick up the girls and bring them along?"  She knew I needed time alone to think and the girls might need time to simply get away from thinking.  It was always something practical, and often quite small that meant the most.  Most people think in terms of grand gestures when it's the small, thoughtful, caring things that are most remembered.
3. Don't be afraid to talk about the deceased… especially as time goes by.  Most people stop talking about them.  The grieving individual begins to feel like they can't bring up their husband or child any more because you won't want to "hear it again and again."  However, they usually very much still want to talk about them. 
4. The most wonderful gift you can give to someone is the memories you have of their loved one, especially if it is about an area of their life they might not know about.  Share stories, share what this person meant to you, and especially share ways their life touched yours or they did something for you that blessed you or was very special.  This is especially important when comforting a parent on the loss of a child.  It is extremely important that they know their child's life was important and mattered to someone besides themselves.
5. Keep remembering them and their loss… after about a month, everyone else goes on with life and stops asking or stops calling.  That's when your support can mean the most.  A card sent at random, a phone call each week, an invitation to dinner — especially if the person has lost their husband or wife.  Couples often feel uncomfortable inviting a single to a group dinner so they don't and the survivor loses their husband and the married friends they shared.  It doesn't really matter if you have 7 instead of 8 at a dinner party, invite them too!
6. Put yourself in their shoes and guess how they might be feeling… you'll be right more often than not.  For example: the first Valentine's day after losing a spouse is a rough one to anticipate.  Call them a week or two in advance and just offer to talk about it.  "It must be hard to think about Valentine's Day coming up.  Do you have any plans for the day?  Would you like to have dinner with us, we'd love to be with you."  Or, "It must be hard to get in the Christmas spirit and buy Christmas presents for your grandkids and family this year.  Would you like to go shopping together one day so it isn't quite so overwhelming for you?"
7. Jesus wept with Mary and Martha even though he knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead and they wouldn't have any more reason to grieve.  He didn't lecture them or teach them a lesson… he wept.  He shared their anguish and comforted them with his presence, then he raised him from the dead.  Unfortunately we don't usually have the power to raise the dead, but we can learn a huge lesson on how to comfort the grieving by observing Jesus' compassion.

The most important thing you can do is be there, don't run away or pull back.  Put your arm around them, cry with them, laugh with them, pray with them and walk the long path to recovery with them one step at a time.

Audrey Jeanne Roberts

This afternoon we did a small burn pile where we took care of 2 pine trees that died over the winter.  Being in a high fire risk area we didn't want them lieing around, even for a few days.  Watching them burn with such explosive force, brought back memories of the Southern California Fires of 2003.

We lived in Valley Center, CA (Northern San Diego County) at that time in a 125 year old adobe farm house.  It was in a country/rural location and was surrounded by some dead orchards and a dry creek bed with overgrown brush.  One night in September, I awoke at 3 AM to the smell of smoke.  I quickly searched the house to check each room and make sure we weren't on fire.  The smell was so strong as I made my way through the house and then out the back.  As I stepped outside I was greeted with 2, 50' high walls of flame that were advancing on us from two sides.  They were probably only a couple of miles away at that point, with 35-45 mile an hour winds whipping them up into a fury.

I stood there for a moment and thought, "I wonder if I should get Steve up… and then jolted out of my shock, began to shake and ran to get him!"  We furiously began to gather our priceless belongings as well as the important parts of our business such as my hard drive, original art, backup disks etc.  I learned a few lessons that I would like to pass on to you.  Perhaps these tips might prevent your losing your priceless family photographs and heirlooms, or more importantly your lives, should a disaster happen to you one day.

When fire happens, especially in the middle of the night, you go into shock.  You don't think right and sometimes you don't have time to think at all.  We spent 3-4 hours not knowing if we were going to have to evacuate or not and wandered from room to room thinking, "Is there anything here that I can't live without or replace?"  The shocking thing was how often we said, "No."  In our culture we really do own too much stuff! 

In the end, we were fortunate.  Through the inexplicable whims of fire, the flames came right up to the dead grove and then changed direction.  It came within 1200' of our property, but chose a different course, sparing us, but continuing on to destroy the homes of others.

Two weeks later, I walked through our house and thought "Oh my, I would have lost that!  We didn't even think to grab it!"  Our community lost more homes per capita than any other area in So. Cal. with 265 homes and 2 lives lost.  We watched firsthand the devastation of losing irreplaceable heirlooms, not to mention the life of one of my daughter's dear friends.  Here are my suggestions to give you a much greater chance of retaining your valuables (and your lives) in an emergency. 

1. Take time now to think through a list of everything you would want take with you and write it down on paper.  Put that paper into the very first item you would think to grab in an emergency (your wedding album, a baby's book etc.).  Use a red marker to highlight the top of the paper, mark it "Fire Emergency Checklist" and leave it sticking out of the top of the book enough that you would see it when you grab it to go.  You can even copy the list and put it in several places.  If you have multiple copies you pass them out so other family members can help round things up.  Examples of list items: photo albums, scrapbooks, baby books, videos, family bibles, DVD's or hard drives with computer information, important items such as your fire insurance policy, tax returns, marriage certificates, birth certificates, wills, an address book so you can contact relatives,  etc.  Some of these papers could also be stored in a highly rated fire resistant safe.
2. Often times in a fire emergency you will have 5-10 minutes at most to grab things and go.  Store everything that is an irreplaceable valuable, together in one place so that you don't have to search your entire house to find them.  If there are items that need to be stored in different rooms, group them together on the list to make the round up as quick as possible.  You'll have a better chance of saving them in a really urgent situation that way.
3. A safe deposit box at your bank can be a good idea for storing some of these important papers off site in case of disaster. 
4. Don't worry about clothes or toiletries (that's the first thing believe it or not that many people pack).  The Salvation Army will provide you anything you'll need of that variety, and the first thing people donate in an emergency is clothing.
5. Don't wait too long to leave.  In wildfires, many people die because they wait too long and think that they can drive out of danger.  Fire eats oxygen and your car requires oxygen to run.  Without it, the car will die leaving you in harm's way.  Our daughter's friend died this way and her sister was badly burned but recovered.
6. Fire moves faster than you can believe and it often creates it's own winds.  Many people foolishly think they'll protect their homes only to realize too late that fire is a roaring monster.  It is not controllable by the best trained and equipped firefighters, let alone a home owner armed with a garden hose!  Don't wait to be told to evacuate either, there's no guarantee that the fire department will be able to give you adequate warning.  If you even think you should go, GO!
7. Don't go around fire lines.  A dear friend and employee of ours did, and she and her son drove into a fire trap.  They literally had to throw her car in reverse, put the petal to the floor and pray for mercy.  They barely escaped with their lives… In the end, she didn't care about the home she was trying to get to, once she realized her foolishness could have cost her son his life and her other children their mother.

I'll share a few more things we learned about fire safety in the next couple of days.  I pray that you never need any of this information, but if you ever do you'll be glad you took the time to prepare.  Feel free to forward this information on to your loved ones and friends.

Audrey Jeanne Roberts 

Do you struggle under the curse of perfectionism?  Do you measure everything you are or do against some mythical, unreachable standard and always feel that you come up short?  Most of us struggle with understanding the balance between perfection and excellence.

I hope this post will help bring a little perspective to your struggle.  The following is from a book a wrote some years ago called, "Walking With God in the Garden of My Heart."  It was published by Harvest House Publishers, but is now out of print.  In fact, I had inadvertantly given away my last copy so I recently purchased one on line for myself!

"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. Psalm 103:13-14"

As a classic, firstborn, overachiever perfectionist, one of the earliest lessons I had to learn was perfection simply isn't possible in the garden.  I can try all I like, but my garden never looks like the gardens I see in magazine spreads.  I was frustrated until I read something that set my heart free.

The story was written by a gardener whose yard had recently been featured in a national magazine.  She revealed the behind-the-scenes manipulations required to turn out those "perfect" garden shots.

She knew a year in advance the timing of the photo shoot, so she planted anything and everything that would bloom during that month.  As planned, her garden was spectacular, but afterwrd there would be very few flowers blooming in it for the rest of the year.

To shoot close-ups, the photographers meticulously picked off every dead leaf from her potted plants and picked blossoms from other parts of the garden, tucking them in to "enhance" the shots.  Her potted plants were moved all over the yard and even secretly tucked into bare spots so they would photograph a little better.  To sum it up, she confessed that her garden bore about as much relationship to achievable reality as a 5' 10", 120 pound runway model does to the average woman.

I'm glad that the Gardener of my heart is so much more realistic and relaxed in His approach.  He understands my frame.  He knows there wil be seasons of great beauty and abundant harvest and seasons where I am bare and dormant.  He much prefers year-round excellence to spectacular short-lived perfection.  He understands that when I am at my "peak glory" I'm only two weeks away from being bloomed out and bedraggled.  He doesn't berate me for my natural limitations; He tucks new little plants in under the cover of the old so that I can continue bringing Him pleasure. 

I still wrestle with perfectionism.  I easily panic when a weed sprouts up in my heart or I feel I failed to perform up to my capabilities.  I don't allow for the frailty that is my human nature — but my Father the Gardener does.  He understands me.  He loves me, and He thinks I'm pretty special — dead leaves and all.

Lord, I have such a hard time with having unrealistic expectations and then feeling like a failure.  Help me to understand who I am, how You made me and what Your expectations are of me.  Help me to quit comparing myself to others and strive for excellence, not perfection.

Audrey Jeanne Roberts 

"It's easier to build a child than to repair an adult." 

Audrey Jeanne Roberts, from the book 'Lord, Help me to Build a Healthy Child'" 

If you're about ready to pluck your children out of the garden and throw them (figuratively) onto the compost heap because they're looking a lot more like weeds than flowers… I just wanted to encourage you a little today.  It's a long, slow process to grow children into strong, healthy, mature and godly adults.  In fact the dirty little secret you weren't told when they handed you that sweet liitle "bundle of joy," is that it takes closer to thirty years than eighteen!

The world around us tells our children that they become "adults" at age eighteen.  That expectation can be the source of significant friction between children and their parents.  Of course there isn't really a magic number that signifies the finish line in the race to adulthood.  As anyone who has parented an eighteen year old knows, even the most mature among them is still a long way from being able to make it on their own as a responsible adult. 

The process of becoming an adult occurs slowly. It happens one day at a time, one decision at a time,  and one experience at a time.  It is a byproduct of the process of facing life's challenges.  Some challenges will produce successes and others setbacks and failures.  Great parents know when to stop protecting or overcontrolling and step back a little, giving their children the freedom to fail in a safe, protected environment.  Every experience in your child's life can become the building blocks of wisdom and experience, if he or she is willing to learn from them, and you are dilgent to help him or her learn. 

Your parenting role has to adjust and change significantly over time.  At birth your child was completely helpless and vulnerable.  Over time he or she can do more on their own and require less assistance from you.  Most parents find the process of release to be a rocky one.  Some children struggle to be released too soon. while others don't seem to want to be responsible and venture out on their own at all! This transition rarely happens without struggle, disagreement and even ocassionally periods of great turmoil.   No matter the personality of your child, your job description is the same… ultimately your job is to work yourself out of a job! 

Just keep this thought in mind if you're discouraged at where you are in this process.  If you're trying to measure your success as a parent any time before your child is 30 years old, the crop hasn't fully matured yet.  It's quite posssible you won't see the full fruit of your parenting until your children become parents themselves.  Be patient, be prayerful and be diligent.  Don't give up and don't ever quit working at it.  The sad fact is there's absolutely no guarantee of success even if you're a great parent.  But with the help of God, and a lot of sweat and tears, it's likely you will ultimately be successful if you keep working at it. 

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.  Gal. 6:9-10"

Some of the most joyful moments in parenting begin in the mid to late twenties.  That's about the time when you start to hear your child tell their friends (or children) something you've said to them a thousand times and never even thought they heard!  It's when you receive calls asking your advice on an important life-changing decision that they need to make.  It's also when your child will often start to consider you not just their parent, but their cherished friend.  Be patient and in the words of Winston Churchill, "Never, never, never give up!" 

I'll end on a humorous note.  I think it was Erma Bombeck who said, "Grandchildren are the reward we get for not killing our children!"  Hang in there!

Audrey Jeanne Roberts

Gratefulness is an attitude of heart, it is a skill that can and should be developed by each of us and practiced with great liberality!  A grateful heart is a cheerful heart.  A grateful heart spreads sunshine in dark places without even having to make an effort.  Do you have a grateful heart?  Do you communicate that gratefulness to those around you?

My husband isn't perfect… in fact some of his flaws can be downright annoying and frustrating (of course I NEVER annoy him!)  But I am so grateful for who he is that I rarely ever get focussed on what he isn't capable of or who he can never become.  

There's an old saying "No man was ever shot while doing dishes!"  My husband does our dishes every night before going to bed or first thing in the morning… without fail!  He also does the laundry (because he has experienced my lack of alertness for red socks in white loads and ended up with pink boxers once too often!)  These are huge things to me, for which I am very, very grateful.  But if I never spoke those words of gratefulness to him, would he know how much it means to me?  I doubt it.  He would feel taken for granted, especially if I mentioned something that he hadn't done that needed doing.

I think that a spirit of gratefulness is the match that keeps the flame of love glowing brightly in a marriage.  A grateful heart notices the little things and takes time to say "Thank you, I appreciate you and all you do."  A grateful heart cherishes "what is good" about our relationships and avoids looking over the fence at another's "greener" lawn.  Remember, even weeds look green and lush from a distance!

Have you been the recipient of a heartfelt "Thank You" recently?  Did it lift your spirits for a great while?  How did it make you feel about the person who expressed it, especially if it was thoughtfully communicated?  Think about the warm sunshine that those words spread in your soul and look around you today.  What are you thankful for?  Who is a blessing in your life?  How could you put that thankfulness into words and give it as a special gift to the one you are grateful for?  Love that is unexpressed has almost no power at all, but love that is put into words and expressed openly warms the heart for a long time!

Are you thankful for life?  For breath?  For the love of your family?  Take a moment to express that thankfulness to the God who gave you life and breath and love… Have you noticed how He is always faithful to our tiniest cry for help?  He diligently watches over the detais of our lives whether we remember to thank Him or not.  I'm constantly aware how easy it is for me to take Him for granted…

"Lord, help me to see my blessings more clearly than my areas of lack.  Help me to recognize and appreciate the treasures that are everywhere in my life.  Show me where I have taken those I love for granted and find ways to express my gratefulness to them… and to remember to make a practice of saying "Thank You" consistently and in many different ways. 

Most of all, help me to see all that you have done for me and develop heart of gratefulness towards you.  I love you, Lord!  Amen

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things…and the God of peace will be with you.  Phil 4:8-9"

Audrey Jeanne Roberts 

Saturday my husband and I went into town to get our hair cut, see "Amazing Grace" the movie (again!) (www.amazinggracemovie.com/) and run a month's worth of errands.  By the way, if you want a great movie to go see, you will LOVE "Amazing Grace."  It's a wonderful movie.  Its theme is one man or woman really can help change the world.  It will lift your spirits and delight your heart.  We went to a different town than we usually go to when we "come off the mountain," so we found a Supercuts store and it was there that I met Rosalie.

Rosalie is a 23 year old single mother of a 7 month old beautiful baby girl.  When she was cutting my hair, we talked about her daughter, about her working part time so she could be with her, and how her boyfriend's mother was taking care of the baby when she had to work, so that she didn't have to go to daycare. 

I shared a little about my childhood as a child of divorce (with a single mom for a while, and a working mom the rest of the time), and about my grown children and the relationship we're blessed to have.  She shared some of the details of her childhood.  It was a delightful conversation with a delightful young woman. 

One thing I noticed about Rosalie is that she had a spirit that was hungry to learn and hungry to do the right thing… but from what she shared it was evident that she had had little or no real parenting herself and wondered how to do it well without an example to follow.  She shared a little of what life was like for her growing up and her Mom's "choices," especially regarding men in their home and how they affected her.  Rosalie had a very sweet, warm, wonderful spirit… I liked her very much.

She was open to my sharing anything that I thought might be helpful to her, so I was able to share an idea with her that I'd like to pass along to you as well.  I said, "If you'd been blessed with a really great set of parents who did most things right, all you would have to do is follow their example and you'd probably do pretty well.  But if the examples of marriage and parenting were a little less than adequate, look around you and see if there's anyone who's parenting you really admire.  Is there anyone whose children seem really well cared for and you'd like your children turn out like?  Is there any one whose marriage seems really solid and you respect the way they treat each other?  If so, get to know them.  Spend time with them and ask questions about how they do things.  Chances are they would love to help you learn."

I continued, "If you want to be a great hair stylist, don't you get training from someone who is much better than you are so that you can learn their secrets and tips?  The same concept works in every area of life, but we often just don't think to ask."  She was genuinely intrigued by the concept… she got the connection immediately to hair styling and realized that parenting and marriage were much tougher jobs to accomplish well.  Isn't it funny that we go to college to learn from professors in our field of study, but rarely think of getting instruction from those who are successfully accomplishing the toughest jobs in life?!

Here's my challenge to you.  If you are doing well in your marriage and your parenting, (note: I didn't say doing perfectly ) there are hundreds of "Rosalie's" living around you that have never really been parented.  They've never had someone willing to invest in their lives and cheer them on.  They have no one speaking wisdom into their lives.  Could you share some of your hard-earned wisdom with a young man or young woman and help prevent them from suffering unnecessary pain? Could you share where you've made mistakes and also where things have worked out well?  Could you be the older friend and mentor that perhaps you once wished for and couldn't find?  It doesn't have to take a huge amount of time.  Just a small investment of your time, infused with a lot of caring and speaking from your heart, and you just might make a great difference in how one life turns out. 

In fact, you just might change many more lives than the one you chose to invest in… because healthy people raise healthy children, that build healthier societies and healthier worlds.  As the movie "Amazing Grace" points out, change happens one life at a time… one man or woman really can help change the world. 

And if you're a "Rosalie" my advice to you is the same, find an older friend that you can ask questions of and listen to their advice.  Do what it takes to learn, grow and change so that your children DO have a great parent whose provides an example they can safely follow.  You don't have to be limited by the parenting you received or by what family examples you have seen.  You can chose a different path. You can change the course of your family's future, by the step you take today in a new direction.

The two best resouces I know of for both these areas are Focus on the Family with Dr. James Dobson which you can find at www.family.org and FamilyLife Today with Dennis Rainey at www.familylife.com.  These two resources are full of time-tested wisdom and personally have taught me so much about being a good wife and mother.  I value them so much that I have added them as links in my blog so you can find them here anytime you need them.

Audrey Jeanne Roberts