We have several of our different "worlds" that are experiencing exactly the same difficulty… conflicts between  people that are escalating and causing pain and separation.  It’s so hard to watch and know what to say (or not say), to do (or not do).  It feels so personal and so unexpected that it often causes a great deal of hurt and pain, even to those not directly involved in the situation.  However, I’ve discovered that there is one inevitability in any group, organization, church, family or assembly of people… where there are people, there are "people problems."  My husband and I often laugh and say, "If we ever find the perfect church we won’t even consider attending it… because then it won’t be perfect anymore!"

So, what works to keep unity?  What works against it?  What does God’s word have to say about resolving conflict?  Does it say anything?  How can we live together as a group and maintain healthy, loving relationships?  When I search for answers I have found only one absolutely trustworthy place for them and that is in the bible. 

If you do a word search using a concordance featuring these words; unity, united, divide, divisive, gossip, reconcile and reconciliation ,you will find that the bible has a lot to say that can help you with every relationship in your life.  If you have a good study bible, you probably have a relatively good concordance in the back.  A concordance is a listing by topic/word of where you can find it mentioned in the bible.  If your bible is like mine and your concordance is pretty much useless, then this site will help you www.bible.crosswalk.com/Concordances/NavesTopicalBible. 

When I looked these things up, I was shocked at how frequently gossip was mentioned and how strongly God felt about it  In fact several places state that God HATES GOSSIP.  How could just a little talking between people be something so bad that God hates it?  I’ve personally witnessed gossip kill friendships, relationships, churches, work environments and organizations.  Nothing good ever comes from gossiping. 

We had a meeting at our little church on Sunday, because of painful issues which have gotten out of control all because of gossip.  One thing that I noticed during our meeting, was that many people were confused about what is and isn’t gossip.  I thought a lot about it and realized that it’s probably not just our little group of people that aren’t sure about the subject, you might be unsure as well.  So I’m going to share a few of my observations and guiding principles… by no means a comprehensive treatise, just a chat between caring friends.

A very wise and wonderful woman once told me, "There’s only two times in life that the Lord expects us to make the first move towards being reconciled… when we’re right… and when we’re wrong!"  Pretty simple and also pretty profound!   So for myself, if I have an issue with someone, my first step needs to be to go directly to them.  It isn’t comfortable to do so, but it’s what I’m commanded by scripture to do.  And then if I don’t have a satisfactory reaction/conclusion, I am permitted to bring others to go with me.   If I bring someone into the situation, I should select them for their reputation of being wise, impartial and judging correctly.  Sometimes things can’t be resolved even with proper attempts, but it is my job to do all that I can to be a peace with everyone that is willing to be at peace with me.

If the situation isn’t one I’m directly involved in, I have a very simple test that I use to determine whether I’m participating in gossip or not.  It’s a test of my heart attitude, and it helps me to then determine the correct action.  "Am I being part of the solution, or am I going to become part of the problem?"  If my goal is always to be part of solving the conflict or I am going to be part of encouraging the differing parties to work things out, my communication is probably okay.  If the information will stop with me and I will not spread it, but will pray about it, it’s also probably okay.

When an issue is brought to me by one of the parties involved, and they want to think things through and decide what to do to resolve the issue, it isn’t gossip for me to listen.  However, if that individual wants to unload all of their hurt and pain, but isn’t willing to take any steps towards reconciling their differences directly with the individual or group that they are in conflict with, I probably should stop the discussion.  My continuing to be a part of the conversation when the individual refuses wise counsel, is probably heading towards becoming gossip

When someone brings an issue to my attention that is not one of the directly involved parties, I immediately grow cautious.  "Facts" often aren’t ,when they are spread from person to person (remember the telephone game?!)  It is easy to get angry, riled up and hurt over something that didn’t even happen.  This is the hidden devastation of gossip.  People’s reputations are easily destroyed and once the destruction happens, they can’t be easily restored..

When someone comes to you and their conversation starts with any of the following, it’s probably not okay.  "Did you hear what ______ did?"  Did you know that …..," Have you heard the latest?"  "_______ told me that ________ said….," and "I’m just sooo concerned about…"   I have found that stopping the conversation before it starts is the first step in keeping unity in group relationships.  I can be quite frank with people that repeatedly try to involve me in their pattern of gossip and by the questions I ask, I will communicate that I don’t willingly participate in gossip.  It is quite amazing how quickly those people turn to other sources to "share their concerns."

My last test is this one, "Would I say this directly to his/her face?  Could I say it in love and with a heart towards helping them?"  Many people have been hurt deeply by the "truth" that wasn’t shared in love.  Naked truth can be wielded like a sword and be used to slash people to death.  Learn to listen to the intent behind people’s words and you will hear a heart that wants to heal and a heart that wants to wound.  Avoid people with the later and you will avoid much pain.

I will confess to you that I am guilty of frequently speaking behind people’s backs… I am shameless.  Those who know me well, know that I am absolutely notorious at bragging about my friends!  I tattle tale on the good things I’ve seen them do.  I repeat stories frequently when my friends are the heroes of them.  If I catch you doing something really special and brag-worthy, you never quite know who I’ll tell it to.  It’s a practice I encourage you to try doing!  Gossip can’t even begin to compete for sheer fun!

I Hope this helps you think these things through a little.  I’ll leave you with this thought… I’ve rarely regretted the words I haven’t spoken but have frequently regretted those that were spoken in haste, emotion, pain or anger.  

THE PROVERB OF THE DAY:  Proverbs 12:1-3  "If you love learning, you love the discipline that goes with it — how shortsighted to refuse correction!  A good person basks in the delight of God, and he wants nothing to do with devious schemers.  You can’t find firm footing in a swamp, but life rooted in God stands firm."  The Message Bible

Audrey Jeanne Roberts  

We have an incredible woman in our church named Doris.  She recently lost her husband of 40 years.  They were the cutest couple.  They were always smiling at each other and were inseperable.  Doris suffers from macular degeneration and severe hearing loss.  Bob had had heart troubles for years.  He was her eyes and ears.  They were active and involved in people’s lives, caring and outgoing. 

Bob died suddenly one afternoon.  When I asked her how it had happened, Doris said, "Bob was out in the garden watering and just peacefully ‘went to sleep’ under a tree."  She would miss him, but wasn’t surprised or devastated… she would see him again soon.  The two of them had discussed their plans should one or the other pass on.  Their country property would be too much for either of them to handle alone, so Doris has been working at getting her home ready to sell and will be moving in with one of her daughters in Arizona. 

Wow!  As one who was widowed at 36 and has been through the pain, I’ve been watching her process this loss over the last 2 months.  She’s wonderful at expressing how she feels (not just stuffing things) and yet has a cheerful anticipation of the life that is still ahead to be lived and has chosen not to live in the past.  Our little church has Praise Reports and Prayer Requests each service and this Sunday Doris shared two praise reports.  Her praise reports were about how she was being helped out by their long-time gardening assistant and how she was able to bless him and his wife by giving him many of her husband’s tools.  She has  grateful heart that shines through the darkness of her circumstances.   I think there’s an important message to those of us who have experienced losses and will experience them yet ahead (which is pretty much 100% of us!)

Some older people stop forming new relationships at a certain point in life, because they fear suffering the pain of loss… "If I don’t get close I won’t feel pain."  Those that detatch from people and the world to protect themselves, most often begin to suffer depression and find it also impacts their physical health in many ways.  I think that God didn’t create us to live "risk-free" lives.  To love is to risk loss.  To love is to risk pain, yet to love is the core of our lives and our mission here.

My beloved Grandma Flint said to me in the last year or so of her life (she died at age 89 in December of 2004) that the closer she drew to the end of her life, the more she realized there were more friends and family waiting for her on the other side than remained here.  At times she felt torn between two worlds.  She felt that she would deeply miss all of her children, grandchildren, great and great-great grandchilren, but so looked forward to the reunions that were ahead of her.  And most importantly she longed to finally look upon the face and gaze into the eyes of her beloved Lord and Savior Jesus Christ… the one she loved more than life itself.

Grandma Flint remained caring, connected and involved in the lives of her family right up until the day she died.  She died with a young spirit because she lived each day of her life with a young spirit.  Doris is cheerfully looking forward to the changes in her life with an expectation of the adventure that lies ahead… my prayer is that I live my life ahead with the same spirit.  How about you?

THE PROVERB OF THE DAY:  PROVERBS 1:1-4  A MANUAL FOR LIVING.  These are the wise sayings of Solomon, David’s son, Israel’s king — Written down so we’ll know how to live well and right, to understand what life means and where it’s going; A manual for living, for learning what’s right and just and fair; To teach the inexperienced the ropes and give our young people a grasp on reality. 

Audrey Jeanne Roberts