Listening to the political and cultural discourse over the past few years I've noticed that "being offended" has risen to almost a revered position in society. In addition, its counterpart "being super-careful not to offend," has caused people to speak so timidly that they no longer say anything of real substance. Because we're so afraid of being labeled offensive, we don't honestly and openly discuss issues in order to find a resolution and agreement. Somehow I don't think our culture is being elevated by this. In the process we've lost our ability to debate, our collective sense of humor and the ability to laugh at our own differences and flaws!
There is a old-fashioned phrase "to take offense," that I've often thought about. In reality, you have to actively "take" offense, to become offended in 90% of life's situations. Someone who is secure in themselves and filled with grace, rarely chooses to take offense even when the offense was intentional. They just don't have the time or energy to waste on the process!
The true virtue and excellence of character isn't in being offended, but in choosing not to be offended. One way of making that choice work in our lives is to "give others the benefit of the doubt." (See my post about that concept here.) Another is the art of empathy, or to put yourself in the shoes of the person that has offended you so that you gain understanding of what motivated them. Another is the art of forgiveness, which is the ability to acknowledge that an offense was committed against you, but choose not to become bitter or dwell upon the incident in such a way that you allow a spirit of unforgiveness take over your heart.
One of the most powerful virtues of character is the art of grace. Grace is knowing that what someone did is wrong, but choosing to forgive them anyway and move on. Grace understands the extenuating circumstances or sees the situation as the other person might see it. The ability to extend grace, usually only comes from the heart of someone who knows that they too need to receive grace. Therefore they can in turn extend grace to someone who has done wrong against them. "Thus for the grace of God go I," sums up the heart of this individual.
One of the most powerful examples of the art of grace, I have ever seen was in the wake of the Virginia Tech massacre. A father of one of the female victims was so filled with grace and forgiveness that I was utterly amazed and moved to tears. One of the first things he did in the interview was to deeply identify with the pain of the killer's family and their great loss and sadness. He also said that he knew his daughter so well, that he knew if she survived the initial gunshot wounds, she would have been praying FOR HER ATTACKER!. He was able to extend his forgiveness to the killer's family and almost unimaginably, to the killer.
How does this apply to our daily lives? Are you a person that is easily offended? Do you have relationship with an individual in your family, friend or workplace that is easily offended? Do you want to learn to live with a heart filled with grace instead? Here are some simple concepts that if practiced over a long period of time will change your outlook on life and thus affect all of your relationships:
- Understand that a person that is easily offended, is usually insecure in some or all areas of their life. In many ways, they are starved for praise and feel overlooked or underappreciated. Try to make sure that you acknowledge their achievements or accomplishments, and try to encourage them verbally… especially in public. However, don't expect them to do likewise though, most just aren't capable of it.
- The person that is easily offended often has an almost child-like perspective on life. Children feel like they are "the center of the universe," and everything that happens is about them even if it has nothing to do with them. It can be very hard to relate with this individual as they take things very personally.
- Amazingly, the same person that is easily offended often routinely offends others! They are super-sensitive to imagined slights from others and yet clueless to how often they say wounding comments or act in offensive ways. When you know this about them, it can help you choose not to react and stop conflicts before they happen.
- For some reason this type of individual seems to continually stir up conflict and chaos in the family or work situation. It takes two to dance. If you choose not to react, there isn't any reward for them and after a while they often move on to find another "dance partner."
- It is very hard to have a deep, real relationship with someone who is easily offended. You may need to adjust your expectations and know that there is likely to be little you can do to change them or your relationship with them.
- Peacemakers choose not to be offended, not as a weakness of trying to avoid conflict at all costs, but to overcome and diffuse conflict. Grace-filled people choose to absorb blows and choose not to strike back (Jesus said in Luke 6:28-29: bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also." Jesus' reference was about strength not weakness!)
One of my favorite verses in the bible about contentious relationships is this: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head (note: this was a blessing, not a mean thing)."
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Rom 12:18-21 NIV
Choosing to live a grace-filled life is challenging. Not being overpowered by a difficult person but overcoming their influence with goodness is very, very hard. God blesses those choices though with His grace and peace. Though this is a "simple" concept, trust me, it's not easy to do!
Audrey Jeanne Roberts
Well said, AJR. The thing that most frustrates me about having discourse with others in this day and age is people’s seemingly inability to disconnect their personal selves from the debate at hand. I am unable to debate religion or politics with any of my family as their reactions draw upon their personal feelings into the subject instead of debating the subject on its merits. I realize these can be very personal subjects, but at the same time, an intelligent person should be able to examine an issue and evaluate it based on the facts without emotionally attaching to it. This is where a lot of offenses and misunderstandings come from, I believe.
You are also quite astute about the relationship to the viewpoint, experience, and context of the people involved. Without understanding the background influencing a particular statement it is almost impossible to truly relate to someone. I have found myself in life getting to know someone very well before launching into sensitive subjects so I know when I hear a response I have a better idea of its roots.
I smiled when I saw you quote Luke 6:28-29. Many people view the “turning of the other cheek” as an act of weakness and perhaps cowardice, but if you take the historical context into play, it suddenly presents both a sign of strength as well as a bit of admonishing by Christ. In that day and age, striking anyone on the face was considered a ghastly offense, much more than you might imagine today — it was simply one of the most offensive things you could do to publically offend someone. People slapped backhanded and used their right hand, as the left was considered “more unclean” due to its use in various bathroom activities. Thus, to “turn the other cheek” was not only saying to the offender, “go ahead, offend me again” but by turning the other cheek it was admonishing them, meaning that if they were to slap you again, they would have to use their opposite, “dirty” hand to do it, which was unthinkable.
Again, context means everything. Choose instead of being offended to see it as an opportunity to educate — either the other person or yourself. You’ll both end up better for it. (GREAT COMMENTS, NATHAN! Thanks for the further insight on the slap, I didn’t know that, so I learned something today. When we meet, no matter your politics, we’ll have a GREAT discussion 🙂 AJ)
Thank you AJ for your insight into a major problem for me. I have always been considered as the “peacemaker” of my family. I have also considered myself as being”stepped on” for being this way. I never realized that I was choosing to do this. Nathan, I don’t mean to bring myself into this discussion, it is just how I “relate” to a situation.
If someone offends me it is because I have taken ownership of that ‘offense’. Threfore I am allowing that person to control me. If I choose not to become offended, angered, etc. I have not given that control away. It is the grace that God offered us through Jesus Christ that has taught me how important it is to forgive.
I believe it was Abraham Lincoln who said “Do I have no enemies when I make them my friends.” The choice is ours. (Fabulous comments Phyllis, thank you for taking the time to share them with us all! AJ)
AJ, thanks for your list of 6 ways to have grace. Those are something that we all need to strive for. As you say, it is not easy but I am going to try to be better at it in the future. As always, your Blog is very well written and has substance and meaning to it. Fortunately, I don’t have a lot of conflicts in my life with other people but I do tend to take things a little too personal sometimes.
Thank you this AJ……it helped me to understand a little better the people that act so selfish and vindictive. I will take the high ground and returen hatefulness with kindness.
Very interesting reading AJ. So much to ponder. I find my sister is very easily offended these days and always step back and try another way to say what I have to say. She is just coming off a year of breast surgery, 6 months of chemo and 3 mo of radiation therapy so I think I can allow a little room until she gets her feet under her again. I know the reason for her actions so I can be a little more lenient. Thanks again. Need to go back and read again later.
This couldn’t have come at a better time. I have prayed for grace numerous times and just can’t seem to overlook and forgive some people in my life. I really do try and want to forgive but they keep disappointing me and showing me their difficult to forgive side. I continue to pray. I know deep down I need to forgive and forget but it is extremely difficult. Just yesterday I was watching Oprah and she said that holding onto a grudge and not forgiving someone is like taking poison and wishing ill on others. Just not possible. I also know you can’t be healthy – physically and emotionally – if you can’t forgive. I will keep your concepts in mind and refer back to them quite often. (awesome comments! Remember this though, only God can forgive and forget. He never asks us to do that He asks us to forgive as we have been forgiven. Also forgiving doesn’t mean you put yourself in danger of being attacked again if that’s a reality you deal with. Perhaps I should share a little of what I’ve learned about the practical aspects of forgiveness in the future? Hugs, AJ)
This couldn’t have come at a better time:) Thank you so much!
As I read this I found myself identifying people in my family who are like this and then I thought “I need to be sure I’m not one of them!” It’s so easy to find fault with others that I need to be aware of my own!
A quote from a friend of ours…”If you think being meek is being weak, try being meek for a week!”