This has been a very difficult week for our nation.  There is nothing more jarring than the senseless loss of young men and women just beginning to live.  Our minds grasp for ways to understand what is absolutely not understandable.  We question God.  We question those in authority and in fact many of us feel such anger that we reach for people, places, authorities to blame and help dissipate that anger, but it only succeeds in making us more angry.  Others simply pull back into themselves and feel numb and gray but can't quite figure out why.

Grief is as unique as each individual, each relationship and each tragedy… it never comes in exactly the same form or with the same emotions.  The same loss suffered in a single family will not be grieved the same by the individuals in that family.  This completely unpredictable course of grieving often leads to much misunderstanding and even separation in marriages or families.  As a culture we are woefully unprepared to grieve any loss, much less the massive and tragic loss our nation is facing this week.

Have you ever been confronted with the loss suffered by a close friend or relative and been so afraid of saying the wrong thing that you've barely said anything at all?  Or avoided the subject for fear that you might cause more pain?  Feeling inadequate to comfort the grieving is very common, most of us feel that we don't know what is going to be helpful and what isn't in comforting a grieving individual.

I suffered the loss of the husband of my youth when I was 36 and he was just 44.  It was in 1994.  He died from Melanoma, which is a virulent form of skin cancer.  I sought out information prior to his death on the grieving process in order to help my young daughters cope with the coming loss, then afterward attended a Hospice grief support group for a season and have since read several good books.  The best of which is "When Life is Changed Forever By the Death of Someone Near," by Rick Taylor, Harvest House Publishers.  It's available at www.familylife.org or most likely also at www.amazon.com.  We buy the book a dozen at a time to have on hand for the unexpected tragedies that happen around us.

Here's a list of a few things that are usually very comforting to the grieving individual:

1. If you don't know what to say all you have to do is say so!  "I am so saddened by your loss and I have no idea what you must be feeling.  I just want you to know how much I care, but words fail me at a time like this."  You don't have to fix it, explain it, or give them the answer on how to get over it… you just have to weep with those that are weeping.  Believe it or not, that's enough!
2. If you want to do something, figure out what needs doing and either just do it or offer to do it.  The grieving individual often hears "If you need anything, just call and I'll be happy to help."  The problem is they don't remember who offered to do what as their minds just aren't working right, or they don't feel comfortable asking.  When I was grieving, my friend Sally would call and say, "I'm taking the boys for an afternoon at the library and then we're going to the park.  Can I pick up the girls and bring them along?"  She knew I needed time alone to think and the girls might need time to simply get away from thinking.  It was always something practical, and often quite small that meant the most.  Most people think in terms of grand gestures when it's the small, thoughtful, caring things that are most remembered.
3. Don't be afraid to talk about the deceased… especially as time goes by.  Most people stop talking about them.  The grieving individual begins to feel like they can't bring up their husband or child any more because you won't want to "hear it again and again."  However, they usually very much still want to talk about them. 
4. The most wonderful gift you can give to someone is the memories you have of their loved one, especially if it is about an area of their life they might not know about.  Share stories, share what this person meant to you, and especially share ways their life touched yours or they did something for you that blessed you or was very special.  This is especially important when comforting a parent on the loss of a child.  It is extremely important that they know their child's life was important and mattered to someone besides themselves.
5. Keep remembering them and their loss… after about a month, everyone else goes on with life and stops asking or stops calling.  That's when your support can mean the most.  A card sent at random, a phone call each week, an invitation to dinner — especially if the person has lost their husband or wife.  Couples often feel uncomfortable inviting a single to a group dinner so they don't and the survivor loses their husband and the married friends they shared.  It doesn't really matter if you have 7 instead of 8 at a dinner party, invite them too!
6. Put yourself in their shoes and guess how they might be feeling… you'll be right more often than not.  For example: the first Valentine's day after losing a spouse is a rough one to anticipate.  Call them a week or two in advance and just offer to talk about it.  "It must be hard to think about Valentine's Day coming up.  Do you have any plans for the day?  Would you like to have dinner with us, we'd love to be with you."  Or, "It must be hard to get in the Christmas spirit and buy Christmas presents for your grandkids and family this year.  Would you like to go shopping together one day so it isn't quite so overwhelming for you?"
7. Jesus wept with Mary and Martha even though he knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead and they wouldn't have any more reason to grieve.  He didn't lecture them or teach them a lesson… he wept.  He shared their anguish and comforted them with his presence, then he raised him from the dead.  Unfortunately we don't usually have the power to raise the dead, but we can learn a huge lesson on how to comfort the grieving by observing Jesus' compassion.

The most important thing you can do is be there, don't run away or pull back.  Put your arm around them, cry with them, laugh with them, pray with them and walk the long path to recovery with them one step at a time.

Audrey Jeanne Roberts